My life, Nessa's way!

Okay, so I don’t know where to start, I might just tell you all a little bit about me. So um my name is Vanessa i am 21 and I’m half Puerto Rican and half Dominican, live in Rico at the moment. Ever since i was young i knew i was “different”. I had a gf when i was 6 but since i was just a kid i didn’t pay attention to it. Growing up i was always around the guys, had a lot of friends but only liked to hang out with the guys. In 2001 i moved to Rico and i just tried to make a new life, took me a while to have friends, cause of me being shy it was hard for me to make friends that easily and me not knowing nothing of Spanish it was harder. I was occasionally bullied being called names cause i didn’t have friends and cause i didn’t talk with no one. In high school i met this girl and although she didn’t say she was i knew she was a lesbian on just the way she acted. i tend to have a crush on her but thought it was just crazy thoughts and myself making things up. This went on for 3 years i had a bf but the feelings and the dreams didn’t go away. Life went on and in 2010 i meet this girl only and we start talking was my first time having a friend that is a lesbian and me having feelings for her. We dated for about 3 months then i get on this virtual site and meet other girls that had the same feeling as i did. I first then had my first online gf but it didn’t last long. Few months latter i had my second and my third that went wrong also. When i was going thru some bad time, one of my friends was there for me, I found myself having strong feelings for her just i was scared cause of our age difference. We talked and gave it a shot, ( we are still together but things are not that easy cause we are to far away). So now to my coming out part, one night i had this mayor fight with my mom and me out of anger i say, I’m the way i am cause of you i like and love what i love cause of you, there my mom says yes i know you like girls and i known it for a while and crying i say yes i do and no one will change my way of feeling and loving. That day i felt like i have lost 100 lbs but yet again felt bad cause of the fight. I talked to my gf and she was there for me step by step like she always been. Only my mom and one of my sisters know I’m a lesbian. My two best friends also know they was the first ones to know it and didn’t judge me for being a lesbian. It was hard to come out cause i was in church and the pressure was a lot. But gladly i took that step. My mother and I don’t talk about me being a lesbian she just tries to avoid that convo. I now am going thru some weird things that i have never been thru lots of fights with my gf, i get a lot of mood swings and tend to shut down. I guess its just hard to trust when one has been hurt a lot. I’m at the point that i can lose her for good and i don’t want to. The distance makes it so hard and i sometimes just don’t know what to do, i have hurt her and I’m scared things wont be the same as before. Well I should stop writing cause if i keep on going i can make a book LOL. If any of you can give me some advise or anything i will appreciate. I also want to say i thank Tracy and Stamie cause with the little things they have done and continue doing, they gave me the strength to come out maybe it wasn’t a nice way to come up but at least i came out. I love you girls and wish one day to meet you two.

Much love, Vanessa (Nessa)