Wish I was Straight…
Hi u guys.
wow, i kinda feel so overwhelmed by my feelings right now, just thinking about writing my story here.
first i want too say that all of u guys should respect and appreciate ur parents, even though they don’t accept your sexuality a 100%, but at least they are still there.
i haven’t seen or heard of my parents, or any family member for almost 6 years now. i have 3 brothers and 1 sister, all of them older than me, i’m the youngest with 27.
Beeing 27 and not knowing the own family is really hard. i ran away with 21…
my family did know i’m gay, i came out with 18, but what they did is, force me to marry.
to get married with 21, with a man i never saw, building a family with him. it seemed so impossible to me. it WAS impossible.
i had a cousin who outed hisself, and he paid with his life.
his father thought a honor-killing would be the only way to get the family-honor back within the society. and yes, he did get back his honor, all the parents were proud, and said that they would have done the same to their own children…
so, i knew if i would disagree with getting married to the boy they choose, they would be capable of doing that, what my uncle did to my cousin….
i had to make a decision.
i decided to ran away. as far as i could. i landed all the way from turkey in germany.
i don’t know if my family ever started to search for me, if they still are, or if they stopped.
i don’t know if they are happier with me gone away.
i don’t know if they ever think of me, what happened to me or where i am.
i don’t know what they told everyone else, what happened to me. they probably told them i died, or they at least they wish it would be like that…
i don’t even know if my parents are still alive.
those are just a few of those questions flying around my head every single day, no, every single minute of my life.
If i would be straight, i never would of ashamed my family, would never of ashamed my self leaving them.
i never would have all those problems.
and yes, i would go back in time if i could and get married and have kids, just to make them happy.
i probably should stop writing now, before it gets a four page long story…
this is just the short form of what i have been through.
i’m sorry for this abrupt ending, but my life-journey will probably never find a proper ending.
and i hope u guys don’t mind that i didn’t upload a picture.
if anyone reads my story, and got any questions, feel free to ask.
Hi Umut,
First of all I am D S, you commented on my story a few days ago and I just read you comment right now. I totally agree with everything you said in your comment, some people just don't understand that part you said about being muslim and gay is hard in itself, I mean it is a struggle in its own. Your don't only start to question your sexuality, but also you begin to question every little thing. And that is when your whole belief system falls apart!
Second of all, Wow. I really don't know what to say, I am speechless about your story. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now or what you are going through. I gotta admit though, actually part of me feels sorry for you being away from your family and all and the other part of me envies you for your strength and the decision you made to take control of life.
I mean I don't actually have a choice to take off as you did as I mentioned in my story about the visa issues. But I mean the strength you must possess to tell your family in the first place about your sexuality which is something I don't think I'd ever be able to do.
I wish you the best of luck really from all of heart, and even though me and you knows that our societies will never come around about this but I really wish that your family would be the exception.
P.S. I am really sorry about your cousin, I hope he is in a better place right now.
D.S.
hey, thank u very much for taking the time reading my story.
well, i have to say, it was not easy for me to get over the country border. i almost spent like half a year of searching
for the people who are able to get me through. but thats probably a illegal stroy itself 🙂
actually i lived in Istanbul that time, and it was the first time ever for me, seeing the gay-community.
it is kind of like a little LA going on there 😀
it took me about 2 months traveling from Istanbul, through Bulgaria, Serbia, […] , to Austria and finally to Germany
u probably can imagen how my situation was, beeing in foreign countrys, not knowing the languages, and not having that much money… because, i basicly ran away over night, how much of preparation would have there be?
and to the point beeing muslim and gay, i also see this struggel with the (mostly with a emigrant background) kids here.
they just don't now what to do. its so hard for them beeing able to explore their sexuality…
i mean, they ask me questions like: how can u be sure that u are gay, when u not allowed to be sexualy involved with someone before marriage?
muslims grow up with the rule, no sex before marriage!
so they don't just have to struggel of beeing gay and muslim, but also the question of beeing ,,active" or ,,passiv" (sexually)
all i can say is, You can be Gay, but still be a good Muslim! but there are so many people not accepting it…
and i believe that my cousin is in the better place now, i can't imagen a worse place where u get killed for who u are..
R.I.P K., you're always in my heart <3