the calm before the storm…

tracy and stamie,

first and foremost, i’d like to thank you for creating this website, allowing us to have a voice and an outlet to share our stories. my story is no different, no better, and no more inspirational than anyone else’s, but it is still the heaviest thing in my life right now. i am currently in the very early stages of coming out and i would roughly equate it to the calm before the storm.

i’m 27 years old, living in new york city and the first and only time i was with a girl was when i was 18. we had a 2 year relationship in college, but i always chalked it up to a college phase. once that ended i only dated and slept with men, but something always felt uncomfortable about it. after a couple weeks of dating, i would always find some reason why i thought it wouldn’t work out. i knew i had these other urges and desires to be with women, but i continued to sweep them under the metaphorical carpet in my mind. looking back, a lot of times i met new girls, i would feel instantly connected, wanting to be their friend. now i just realize i was probably into them. the amount of times i’ve met women who have given me butterflies far outnumbers the amount of times guys have given me them. however, i still was never ready to come out to myself.

then, a few weeks ago i decided to start watching the real l word. tracy, when you started talking about when you realized you were gay, it hit me like a ton of bricks. all of a sudden the millions of small pieces fell into place and i felt this huge calm over myself. everything you said made complete sense to me. you were the inspiration i so desperately needed to finally be able to come out to myself. and for that, i owe you the world.

i wish i could say that i immediately went out and told the world, but i didn’t. i did, however, speak to a close friend about it which might only be a small step in the grand scheme of things, but for me it was an enormous one. i know i will have many hurdles to jump, but i only feel like i’m gaining confidence at this point. i am truly indebted to you for helping me reach this point, and i will continue to look to you two for guidance, inspiration, and support. you are my role models. your hearts are true, you are pals and confidants… i look forward to sharing my process and journey with you.

i will continue to share how my coming out experience is going @badmaddy