Secrets undone

Where do I begin? Hi my name is Brook. I have spent my whole life running from me and the fear of judgment from others. I grew up in the suburbs of LA. Now 42 with 3 nearly grown children that accept me, I am so happy that one day I became free from my secrets.

It is funny how my first experience was with a girl. Oh the shame of it was too much for me to deal with, so I did what I did with most things: kept secrets. I spent a good part of my young adult life trying to be normal, but never really feeling settled that I had found that for myself. I no doubt had an extreme attraction for the female body, but I would never admit to it to anyone. Not even my self.

I had another experience in a threesome when I was 18. Guess where I was focused on? You got it. It was all about her. Again, I felt great shame and decided to get married and raise a family. That didn’t work out well and eventually the marriage ended bitterly. The whole time I would be having sex I would imagine women.

One day, I seen this girl (name not mentioned). I instantly was attracted. I spent months being her friend and denying all that I was feeling. I would go prowling with her to find a woman to play with and often would offer myself as her first. She wouldn’t call my bluff. I do have skills after all.

I had went dancing with her and some other friends. I found a jealous spot when I seen her dancing with someone else. Oh no. How could this be? I was wanting her more than I was willing to admit. The following day, I spoke with a good friend about her thoughts between loving a man and a woman. She shared some special thoughts with me that sent me on a mission. I decided I was going to tell this girl that I was in love with her. And so I did. Shocked at my words, she decided to ask me out. It was amazing how we connected. Always hiding my feelings I finally decided I could have some feeling of safety among a few friends admitting that I love women.

The tough part of being me was everyone else. How would I do this? I was 27 years old, 3 little kids, and an open but stubborn mother. I just wasn’t sure that she would be so open with me.

One night my mom walked in on me passionately kissing this girl. She didn’t talk to me or look at me for days. I called my mother one day when I was working and asked her if she would talk to me. She told me she thought I was wrong and that I never cease to amaze her. I took a moment from feeling 3 inches high and decided that I was not a bad person. I explained that she had the right to feel as she choose and I didn’t have to agree. I just asked that she accept my feelings as I would her. When I hung up the phone I felt free. I spent the next 13 years in and out of this relationship. I can say I have loved her with all that I am and have never been so real my whole life. I will never stop loving her, but have finally moved on.

I have had opportunities to date men and women, but realize that I can only love a woman honestly. That’s who I want to be today-honest and with no secrets. I don’t have to hide who I am at home, work, or in public places anymore. What a true blessing. I currently am falling in love with an amazing woman and know that she is falling for me.

Love does not come from fear, judgment, and hate. Love is beautiful regardless of where it is shared. I can honestly say it took years before I could admit the truth and come out of the darkness of my secrets. I have found me, whole, and lovable just as I am. I hope that every human being can experience the same freedom. I now spend much of my life dedicated to fighting for the right to be human and not live in the fear taught to all of us. God is not hate and my spiritual connection is not of hate, but of love. Love is all there is. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and genders. There is nothing twisted about love, but the weapon used to twist the truth to control others.

The more we come out into the light the more we become accepted human beings. There is no shame other than the shame we place on others for being exactly what God has made them to be. I love you all.