Never Alone

My name is Baili and i am from Los Angeles, CA.

I had boyfriends here and there. But i never felt totally into a relationship. I said and did the things i thought other teens were supposed to be doing but i never really knew why i wasnt into a guy or why i felt there was always something missing, or uncomfortable about it. i just thought it was me being nervous. I NEVER thought anything about being into girls.

Then one day my mom said to me, “You’re to pretty, i wish you were gay till you were out of college.” Then it dawned on me and i replyed to her, “Dont say that! i cant be gay! My dads a pastor for the church!” From then on i tried not to be aware of who i might be cause, how hard would life be if i was actually a lesbian!

While i had a boyfriend my sophmore year, i also met Jenna. She was the VP of the Senior class and i KNEW she was gay, no question about it. She was helping build the set for our next play for my Theatre 3 class, and i could NOT stop staring at her! She gave me a weird and alien but totally warm feeling in my stomach. I was so (whats the word?) giddy when she would text me! And Within a week we were inseparable. Then one day i ran and jumped on her and gave her a BIG hug and then we kissed! It happened so fast, i couldnt control it! I was sooo embarrassed that i jumped off her and ran back stage and she also ran the other way lol! Then one night, i spent the night at her house and we were talking and laughing and then she just looked at me and smiled and i leaned in and kissed her.

We went out for 1 1/2 years. But it was hell. My dad noticed we were hanging out so much and he took me to church and then tried to exercise me (or whatever it’s called) and take the “homosexual demon” out of me. All those people speaking in tongues and praying around me scared me. I had felt terrible, like Jesus had hated me and i was trapped in love with a girl, and being damned to hell. Then i thought i had damned Jenna to hell for being her first girlfriend. I thought “in gods eyes” i didnt actually love her cause i wasnt helping her do “gods will.” So it put MANY dents in our relationship. I started hating her because i thought she was the devil trying to lead me into temptation. And I started popping pills to numb the pain. Then one day i told god i would finally break up with her for good. It tore her apart and made her crazy, and it tore me apart to watch her hurt so much. But i knew she would be ok because i had faith in God. My dad noticed we werent hanging out anymore and said “Im glad shes gone.”

So i tried to be striaght, i had sex with boys and i even had this perverted boyfriend who wanted sex all the time, and i thought it might help turn me “normal.”

About 3 months later, i got in touch with my bestfriend from 7th grade. We hit it off and about 2 months later we were dating. My dad said “i see what you and jenna had again with this girl Lynde.”
And Thats when i had finally had it. I was not gonna let him or anyone else destroy another relationship. I was sick of hiding it and so I told my dad i was gay and there was nothing he could do about it. He started reading the bible to me in my room everynight. Then one night we got in a HUGE fight and he went off and hit me. I ran away that night out my bedroom window and got a ride to lyndes house at 12am. 2 Days later i moved in with my mom. Lexi (my dads daughter from a previous marrage) texted me hate messages saying , “Hey you cunt eater, i cant wait to watch your soul burn in hell hahaha you’re gonna rot inside out bitch hahaha!” She was my absolute bestfriend before she found out. And when i told my dad,uncle, aunt, and grandma what Lexi had said, my dad told me
“In a way, Lexi’s right.”

The only person who supported me was my mom.
Lynde and i split up because of the move, and i quickly joined the LGBT club at my school. I looked back and realized i was playing with Dinosaurs when girls were playing with Barbie, the boys were my closest friends, and i was playing Volleyball, softball, and basketball while all the girls were cheerleading. I still acted like a girl and wore makeup, and always had long hair, but i realized Michelle Rodriguez didnt just kick ass in the movies, she was SO SEXY! lol

So sharing my story with others in the LGBT club made me realize there are so many men and woman out there who are trapped just like i was. I used to think that god would keep me from being a successful Hollywood producer just because im a Lesbian and after watching The Real L Word, i realized that Lesbians can be successful and beautiful woman who are just as beautiful on the inside as well as the outside.

I am now graduated and majoring in Film, and Market Advertising, at Fullerton College. Ive dated a handful of woman and now i am back together with Lynde in our 8th month. My dad still preaches to me every chance he gets, and everyone on his side of the family has made it clear that they do not support me. My mama is my hero and only supporter. I hope to go into more detail with my story one day and to reach out to other kids with strict religious parents such as mine and to let them all know, they are never alone.

Thank you guys for this website!

-Baili