My story…the 33 year journey

Hmmm…my story….Where to start? More like why am I writing this? That might be a better place to start. I have thought about writing this since we started the page but to sit down and write it and post it….whew, two completely different things. I’ve answered questions as I “came out” but never have I really really just shared the story openly. Even as I write this now it feels risky and I feel vulnerable. I think this is a common feeling of ALL people when they share something personal.

So much in my life has happened over the last 3 years. I made an incredibly difficult decision…I decided to come out. Until I was 33 years old, I never felt like I lived for myself. No, maybe that isn’t the right word. I never felt I lived fully. Sometimes it felt like I was an actress and failing miserable at playing happy. I couldn’t give anyone 100% because I never gave it to myself. When I was 33, I decided to change it all….and deal with everything that came with it. This involved a divorce to a man that was and is incredible. The kids, Carrie, and I are incredibly fortunate to have his continued support. I won’t say it was easy or wonderful at the beginning, because change and loss never is…but in the long run. Jim, Carrie, and I make a pretty powerful and supportive parental unit. Something that has tremendously helped the kids.

The kids…oh my, I will try to stay tear free as I write this. Children are your heart on the outside. I am ferociously protective of my children and their feelings. I realize now, I was overly protective of their feelings because my own were hurting. I wanted so bad to be the Mom that I hadn’t had that I went the other way. This desire to be ultra-Mom left me incapacitated at times. So harsh did I judge myself that I would literally freeze….I didn’t want to mess anything up. So coming out was incredibly hard, I knew that in ways I would be completely altering their little worlds. Talk about 1,000 pounds on your shoulders. I have always talked with the kids about being themselves, loving themselves, not worrying about what others think. Until I came out, the kids never saw me do this myself and kids can see right through you.

After the divorce, selling the house, moving into a very small apartment, my son said, “mom you are happy. You are really happy.” A statement like that brought me to tears in front of him. I realized that he hadn’t really seen this…..and he should have all along. By being true to myself, I was finally able to be the mother I have always wanted to be and strived to be. I finally let the kids see who I was and give to them 100% of me. And honestly, that is the best gift a mother can give their children.

So now when I say to them, be the best YOU you can be and don’t worry about others, they see that I am living that life. They see how happy one can be when they are true to their own self. Of course this transition has been hard at times. It has been easier for my daughter than my son. She is young and bursting with love and honestly didn’t have many years on this world before I came out. On the other hand, Ty had many years where he saw me struggle and saw me guard my feelings. He is also 13 and what a rough age that is for anyone regardless of their family. But he is amazing and incredible and we support him. And when it comes right down to it, we love him…he loves us…and we are a family.