Living in a world of lies
hey i am a Lebanese girl, i’m 22 and i am engaged to a man when i was 12 i had my first crush on my french teacher a female. First i have to say that here homosexuality is a crime it is not legal and such a Taboo, adding to that i am a catholic so it is not religiously acceptable either so when i had this crush i was terrified so i went out with the first guy who hit on me when i was 14 just to feel normal and i fell for him or had a habit to have him i don’t know but we are still together for 8 years now and we are supposed to get married in 9 months. all these years no matter how hard i tried i still like girls and this feeling has never vanished away, i have this need and urge to be with a girl recently i came out to my fiance i told him that i like girls and well he had no problem he said i could try it if i want to but never let him know about it. So i kissed a girl a friend of mine and well nothing has ever felt so natural as this kiss did.
Now i am really confused how i am i supposed to live all my life with a guy when i really feel like being with a girl but it is not an option here. I love my man but he is just not enough and it hurts ! i don’t really know what to do and my wedding is really close and i am so confused. please give me your opinion about it!
Hey.. couldnt help but comment after i read this story coz someone i met recently was in the same situation. Listen, i live in Dubai, and i, as many of the people here, go to Lebanon for our gay fix. Even though as a law we havent been able to remove it yet from the lebanese contitution, Leb is more open than a lot of other places in our arab world in terms of accepting the idea and providing safe places for Gay, bi, les, trans, and bi-curious people to go from organizations that are internationally recognized such as Helem, to Meem (which is a bit more underground and for support of women only), to bars and clubs that are gay or gay-friendly. So in terms of feeling alone in this situation, believe me you can find a lot of other women just like you in lebanon.
If you are not sure please do not go through with a wedding that is the result of a relationship you jumped into when you were 14.. It would not be fair to you, your husband, or any future children.. My suggestion would be to contact Meem and talk to someone there (they also have open house sessions).. they have support groups and a lot of great women to talk to.. perhaps since they are from ur community they could be of better help and understand the society factor as well..
a word of advice though.. dont settle.. we have but one life to live and what's the use if we end up settling and hiding our true nature.. we kill off any chance for true happiness..
I know it's a bit late. But, I am a 27 yo American Male. I was married to a female who after 6 years of being married decided to come out. She wanted to remain married to me and have a girl once a week. Needless to say we are now divorced and I have full custody of our only child. We still get along and talk, mostly for our child I suppose. But, basically what I'm saying is, if these are feeling that you can't let go then don;t bring someone into them only to hurt them later. It is completely natural to be straight, bi or gay/lesbian. I am sorry to hear that it is a crime in your country, these are just a sign of the times we live in. A very unaccepting and hateful world, it also doesn't help that our governments and religious groups help propel this hate.
I wish you all the best. And good luck with whatever choice you make.