Life is too short

i share my story in hopes that it helps even one woman. i wish i had something like this when i was coming out. i was 27. and until about 6 months before this, i had done such a good job of being in denial, that i really had no idea i was gay. i dated a few guys in hs and college, but never could understand what all of the ‘fuss’ was about. i wasn’t excited about the quarterback or the new guy. but i DID want to fit in–be ‘normal’ (i cringe at that word now). i never thought i was ‘attracted’ to women. i just thought i ‘really’ wanted to be their friend. or that they were so cool, i wanted to be like them. in hindsight, i wanted to be with them. i spent much of my high school and college life being depressed. looking back, do i think me being in the closet was why i was depressed? no, not completely. but i do think it had a WHOLE LOT to do with it! and then i met my best friend in college. we became fast friends. spent every minute together. couldn’t get enough of one another. it was like nothing i had ever felt. and i thought BOY am i lucky to have a friend like this!! we were teased, called names, etc. but i thought ‘no way’. these people have no clue what they are seeing or talking about. and then it turned physical. we would touch. then kiss. and it eventually led to sex. we would always say “ok, this is the LAST time.” and it never was. neither of us wanted it to be! but at the same time, we convinced ourselves that we were in college and ‘experimenting’ and everyone does that in college! i fought with my own self for years. i occasionally let the idea that i was a lesbian creep in only to push it immediately away. THIS was not what i had planned. THIS was not what my parents wanted! THIS was bad, dirty, sinful, WRONG. i went back and forth with myself, back and forth. i finally decided that this ‘experimenting’ had to end. she was crushed. i was crushed, but THIS wasn’t how it was supposed to be. we graduated, went on to further schooling. i met a guy there. she HATED him. we argued. but it eventually dissipated. she moved back home and met a boy too. i missed her something awful. i dated the guy i was with for almost 4 years. we almost got married! while dating him though, i started having a ‘crush’ on a woman i knew. i saw her one day, standing in the rain, and had an ‘epiphany’. the things that i felt-emotionally and physicaly-were beyond wanting to be her friend. it was at that time that i ‘allowed’ myself to realize that i was gay. and it felt GOOD. i broke up with the guy i was with. i met some friends that were gay, and suddenly, it didn’t feel dirty, wrong, or sinful. it was exciting. i started dating a girl. my parents started getting suspicious. they were always kept in the loop of my life, suddenly i wasn’t telling them anything. my mom and i were always especially close. talked at least once a day. i felt like i had to tell them. i went to their house one day. i knew it was going to be hard. i knew they wouldn’t take it well. i had NO IDEA that it was going to be as bad as it was. my mother especially took it hard. she cried. she screamed. she threw things (at me). she said i was ruining the family. that i was going to hell. that i was an embarrassment. what would people say? what would she tell them? i better NEVER have one of those gay weddings or even THINK about having children. i was disgusting. get out, and she was never talking to me again. i left sobbing. i stayed over at a friend’s house. my mom called a week later. i was her daughter and although she still didn’t approve, she wanted to talk. we talked, it was cold. there was no daily call. there wasn’t even a weekly call. when i did call, she had nothing to say. i was crushed. i came out to my best friend from college. she was surprised, but accepting. she was going to come visit. i was ecstatic. i couldn’t wait to have her here to talk to about everything that had been going on. she never made it. she died, at 28 yo, on the way to my house. my world was turned upside down. it was 5 years ago and i still dream about her 3 or 4 times a week. i thought though that if something good could come out of her death, that my family would see that life is precious and that our ‘issues’ were not significant. but it did not. we spoke rarely for about 1 year. i broke up with my girlfriend and met someone else about 2 months later. i introduced her to my family and it was like night and day. they had completely turned around, what seemed like overnight. we regained our closeness and they LOVE her. We have been together for 5 years and are about to embark on our next adventure……trying to get pregnant!!! it’s both scary and exciting and it will be very interesting to see how my family reacts. but remember this: it is YOUR life. although others are important, you have to do what you believe is good for YOU. and that isn’t being SELFISH. it’s being YOURSELF. there is always going to be someone that doesn’t approve or thinks it’s weird or whatever. Fuck them. Surround yourself by people that love you for you and support you thick and thin. Life is too short.