Heartaches of a Lesbian

Big shout out to Stamie & Tracy! Hey ladies, thank you for sharing this wonderful site and sharing your life with us. Thank you also for giving people like me the opportunity to share my story with you and with everyone else. VISIBILITY MATTERS, it really does….

Anyways, I’m Keng Singian from the Asia’s most gay-friendly country PHILIPPINES. I’m 30 years old born on the 14th day of April (just a day apart from Tracy’s, we’re both Aries! Go ARIES!!!!). I am out to my friends (well, actually not all, just some), but not to my family and relatives. I grew up in a very religious family, like we have to go to the Church every Sunday or attend masses during the Feast of the Holy Sacraments, or observe Holy Week yearly….so being a Good Christian Girl in a Big Gay World is hideous as hell! Although I would say that my family is not totally homophobic, but as much as possible they wouldn’t tolerate anyone in the family to be a gay or lesbian. For the record, my uncle is gay, my eldest cousin is a lesbian, I am a lesbian! So we are three gays in the family, isn’t that overwhelming????!!! It’s raining gays! Whoa! They were OK with my uncle being gay, and my cousin being a lesbian, but not it my case. Mine was different.

Being an only child puts a lot of pressure. My mom is always supportive of me, but not the gay thing. We can talk anything under the sun but definitely not the gay part, you know what I mean? So watching the real L word and saw Tracy’s storyline unfold, somehow, I saw myself in her. The relationship between her and her mom, HEY, THAT’S US!!! Like Tracy, I wanted to share my whole life with my mother but I can’t because there’s this big wall in between us. It’s like in the military DON’T ASK DON’T TELL. I love my mom, and I totally understand where she’s coming from. She only wants the best for me, being her only baby means the world to her, and I appreciate all the love and care that she has given to me since the day I was born. I am hoping that one day my mom would totally accept my sexuality and eventually give up her dream of me being married with a nice and rich guy, with kids and a beautiful house. All that can still happen, minus the nice and rich guy of course! I just want to spend my life with a woman. Period. I would like to get married, but not in my country because they won’t allow same sex marriage here. The LGBT community here has a long, long road ahead to fight for EQUALITY, and it’s very frustrating to wait, wait, wait, and wait for that day to come…..
On to my relationship. By the way, I am proud to say that I am a Goldstar! Yipee! Big shout out to all Goldstars out there, especially to Natalie Garcia!!!wohoooo! I would say I’m a late bloomer. I’ve had my first serious relationship with a woman when I was 24. I know I was gay since I was 13 but I didn’t have the courage to explore my sexuality and hide it most of the time. I was very afraid and didn’t know who to confide with. So I just kept it to myself. I’m a tomboy at heart. I like wearing jeans and shirts and sneakers and boots. I like wearing men’s clothes; I am more comfortable wearing that. Although sometimes I have to look feminine and wear high heel shoes and dress especially when it’s for a job interview! Ugh! It sucked! I am attracted to feminine women, I had a crush on my high school classmate, and also with my college instructress. I had a huge attraction to my co-worker and now my very special friend who is also a lesbian. She was the one who made me realize not to be afraid of my sexuality and embrace it with head up high. I owe a lot to her and I wouldn’t be here now without her. I love her as my very special friend and will continue to be friends forever. Ok now, back to my first serious girlfriend when I was 24. The relationship started very rough and very toxic. We were both new in the field so we kinda don’t know how to handle a relationship like this. As far as I know, she’s straight because she had 3 boyfriends before me. I’m her first girlfriend, geesh that’s a lot of pressure! We were both so nervous the first time we met through a mutual friend. The moment was so awkward because we’re totally opposite, she’s extrovert and I’m introvert. She really talks a lot and got lots of stories to tell, so I was just listening to her the whole time of our first meeting. But we both know the feeling is mutual, we were attracted to each other. So after few weeks of dating, we are officially GIRLFRIENDS! Yipee! We call each other “bebe”. Everyday was a learning process for both of us since we were both new and just starting a relationship. Little by little, things went smooth. She introduced me to her family, but not as a girlfriend yet. Then again I was so nervous meeting her whole family, her mom, her other siblings, nephews, nieces. Whoa! That’s a lot to handle because she’s not out and we have to pretend that we’re just close friends, like in the L word, when Carmen introduced Shane to her family and relatives. That’s us! That day was very exhausting! We are not allowed to hold hands or kiss each other in front of their faces or everyone else in the room will freak out, you know what I’m saying? And when it’s my turn to introduce her to my family, it was a little bit awkward, yes, but it’s less exhausting. Because my family knew I was a tomboy even though we don’t talk about it, so I guess it wasn’t really a surprise that I brought home a lady and introduced her to them. They actually like her, my mom and everyone else in the family likes her because she’s really a sweet and funny lady. But still, even if my mom likes her, we never talk about what our relationship is and still thinks that we’re just close friends but not girlfriends. Come on mother!

Everything went smooth, we were happy and in love. Until one day, we were just kidding around, I was actually teasing her with her ex boyfriend. I asked her what if her ex showed up to her and tell her that he wants her back, what will she do? Then she told me that she’ll shut his ex boyfriend’s face off and tell him that she’s now in a happy and content relationship with a woman. And then she told me that she actually dreamed of him once. So I teased her again, told her that dreams have meanings, and that maybe subconsciously he’s thinking about her and vice versa. Then she slapped me in the face and kissed me and assured me that she only wants to spend the rest of her life with me, even if the ex showed up it won’t change her mind about how she feels for me. It was lovely to hear that from her because for me she’s the one. Just for fun, you know, we searched if the guy has a social networking account in Friendster, and hola! There he is, still single. The reason why they broke up is because the guy cheated on her with another woman, and got that woman pregnant. So when she found out, she broke up with him and never saw him again after 3 or 4 years I guess. But thanks to all the social networking sites, you can be virtual friends with your exes again! WTF!!!! A few weeks after, I checked my girlfriend’s Friendster account and saw a friend request from her ex. So I texted her and asked her if she wants to accept it or ignore it. She told me just to ignore it. But I was such a bully so I accepted the friend request. Yes, the guy is still single and never married the mother of his daughter. They were together for 2 years but the relationship didn’t work out well for them, they also broke up. And now he’s back and the trouble begins…..

Yes, I accepted his friend request because I trust my girlfriend so much that I don’t really have to worry about her ex. I’m not a jealous type of girlfriend, I wouldn’t mind if she likes to be friends with all her exes for as long as she knew the limits and boundaries of that. I JUST LOVE AND TRUST HER. But things began to change. Without my knowledge, my girlfriend secretly meets her ex. She only told me after two weeks of thinking things through. They had a heart to heart talk, because there was no closure between them. They broke up so badly, didn’t have the chance to talk things through. For awhile we stopped communicating, she’s not answering my text and ignores my calls. And when we’re together she’s cold and not the usual her, the feeling is so different. So I asked her if there’s a problem, and she said yes. There she said right in my face that she met her ex boyfriend, they talked, and the guy wanted her back and very sorry for what he did to her in the past. She also told me that when she saw her ex, she realized that she’s still in love with him and the feeling never changed, and they wanna get back together as a couple! WOW! My heart is completely broken. I was devastated. She broke up with me, but I don’t want to. So I tried my best to maybe change her mind, gave her the time to think. But I failed. She doesn’t want me in her life anymore, she wanted to have a family, with kids and stuff that I can’t give to her. Sure there’s adaption, but it’s not an option to her. After a few months, she got pregnant, married the guy. It was such bullshit because I even made the wedding invitation cards! I even bought her maternity dresses and stuff! Hell, no, what am I doing???? Call me CRAZY, yes, I think I am. I love her so much that I don’t wanna loose her even if she already threw me away out of her life. When you love someone so dearly, you’ll do everything right? Much have been said and done, my heart is bleeding, and my life is devastated. I suffered bi-polar disorder, I got so depressed that at one point I just want to end my life. Because, really, when she broke up with me I don’t even know where to start my life again. I felt neglected. I can’t even tell my mom about what I am going through, and I always have to pretend that I’m happy even if I’m going through hell. IT WAS THE HARDEST MOMENT IN MY LIFE. My girlfriend threw away everything that we’ve shared for 3 years. It’s easy for her because she’s in love with somebody else, with the douche guy! Fuck yeah!

Now 3 years has passed and I’m still single. I just want to take a moment, concentrate on my work, myself, enjoy and live life as it should be. I’m better now, no depression, no trauma. I’m happy that I survived hell. I know there’s a long way for me to go through but I am stronger now. Watching the L word and the real L word helped me realize that life is wonderful.

Thank you Tracy and Stamie. You’re such an inspiration to the community. Keep the love coming.

much love,

keng