Coming Out Bi

by Vicky

Well I guess this is really still a story in progress. I haven’t fully come out yet, but I am in the process and have come out to a lot of my friends and my dad.

I’ll jump back to five years ago. At the time, I was what most of my friends would call a “bible thumper”. I don’t think I was nearly that bad, especially considering how shy I was. I was, and still am really, a Christian and believed very strongly in the principles of the bible. In my mind, girls were friends and nothing else. I was totally against the homosexual lifestyle, thought it was “wrong”, and didn’t support anything about it. The thought of two girls together just didn’t compute in my mind. While I was friendly and nice to gay folks, and even had some gay friends, if they were to ask me what I thought about it, I’d tell them point blank I didn’t agree with it.

Then I was introduced through a college friend to a girl that for privacy purposes will be called Alex. We only had contact through the internet, and then later via phone as well. Me, her, and our mutual friend were all part of an RPG writing site. I immediately took notice of the fact they both had characters that were involved with both sexes. Alex eventually told me she was Bisexual. As the months went on, we became really good friends. Like I said earlier, our IM’s moved to phone conversations, and then by the end of the summer I was making plans to visit her for my birthday.

To make a long story short, I had my first “official” sexual experience with her, outside of messing around with a few boys when I was younger. The whole summer up to that point, Alex, another internet friend, and I had been engaging in “activites” (trying to keep this clean lol) over the phone, and they’d found amusement in teasing me about being Bi-curious. Of course I’d denied it, right up until Alex and I had made a joking bet that she could prove I was, then the bet became real. I had a month to pysch myself up for it, and in the end I was the one that made the first move.

Now, it could of been because she was the first person I was ever that intimate with, or the fact she was my first kiss, or any number of other things, but I couldn’t stop thinking of those few days I’d spent with her. I kept replaying in my mind the way everything felt. I remember when she kissed me good-bye, the way my stomach lept as she leaned in.

And so, I decided to call her a few days later and tell her. I told her I didn’t really understand all that was happening and what exactly I was feeling, but that if she was interested that I wanted to try things and see where they went. She told me she’d had a thing for me for a while, but knowing my background, never said anything.

The relationship lasted all together about 3 months. During that time I broke it off and then begged her to come back three times, the third being the last and final time that ended it all. At the time, I felt like two people living in one body. The one side of me cared very deeply for this awesome person, and the other felt that by being with a girl, I wasn’t loving the God I served.

When we broke up, I cut all contact with her. I more or less “cleaned my system” of anything to do with girls, got really into church again, and even reconnected with an old friend that I ended up romantically involved with. Alex and I did end up talking again months later, and then tenatively re-started our friendship after a year or so.

When I started a new job, I met the person that changed me forever. Again, for privacy purposes, let’s call her Honey. Now by this time, I was enamored with the guy friend I mentioned. I was convinced this was the guy I was gonna marry… he just had to figure it out too. Honey was one of my co-workers, and right from the get go I felt this unexplainable drawing to her. At first I thought it was just that our personalities clicked, like we were on the same wavelength or something.

Well I quickly begin to realize that these “fuzzy feelings” are me developing a crush… which was a no-no. And then to make matters worse, I find out that she is in fact a Lesbian. The rainbow bracelet should of tipped me off, but I guess I was a little slow. So now not only do I have these pesky feelings, but the opportunity to persue her is possible. (if she was straight I couldn’t date her lol)

To distract myself from her, I busied myself with the guy. We had a weird “more than friends, but not dating” relationship that turned into Bed Buddies when a joke proposition became real (that seems to happen a lot…). He became my “first”, or first guy anyway, and three or four times later I got all bent out of shape over that, again because I was trying to do the right thing by God.

So when I hit a particularly low point, I made the offer to Honey to get me drunk. Up until this point, none of my co-workers could get me to drink, even at a bar. But I figured, hey, I’m already a “Fornicator”, why not add Debauchery to the list? So me, her, and her gay friend Eric get wasted while playing Apples to Apples. Around 2 in the morning Eric’s passed out and snoring on the floor, and Honey and I are watching Harry Potter Puppet pals on her computer. I’m super horny, I can tell she kinda wants to do something as well, but when we go to bed, she plays the “gentleman” and doesn’t do anything. I pretty much cuddled with her arm the whole night… and flirted like crazy to no avail.

There was big gap of time after that where we didn’t hang out due to some issues with my mom, but towards the end of the year we started talking a lot once more, mostly about the guy. Me and him had gotten a lot more serious, but he still didn’t want to commit to a full out relationship. It was driving me bonkers. And even the physical side of things was making me unhappy because of how did things. It was a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” type deal where he never touched me. No kissing, no lead ups, no nothing.

Then came the fateful night. Some of my friends call it the “Long Island Night”. I was at work with Honey and she was going on about going to the local gay bar. I’d heard about this place for years from random people and said I was curious. She said I should go, and at first I wasn’t sure, but eventually gave in, just to see what it was like.

I didn’t plan on drinking. Then thanks to one of her friends, I ended up three and a half Long Islands in me and was dancing like a fool with her. Flash forward to driving her friend home. He gets out of the car, and about a minute later I’m being snogged. And then there’s a hand down my pants. I’m too drunk to think about it and just get caught up in the moment.

I’ll skip the details, but I ended up staying the night. Called a few days later to let her know I had a lot of fun… and wanted to do it again. A few days after that, I was back at her place for movies and more fun. It took a little over two weeks before the “what the heck am I doing?!” thought finally popped in my head. And even then, it was already a losing battle cause the feelings were growing more and more solid.

By this point the only thing holding me back was the guy. What did next I’m not proud of. Never will be. I’ll be honest and say I’m ashamed of it. Me and the guy finally ended up getting together officially… and I continued to mess around with Honey on and off. We dated for about a month before I came clean to him. I felt awful. Beyond awful. I finally had the thing I’d wanted for the past two years, and just spit on it. I loved him. I really did. And I hurt myself as well as him by doing what I did. Still not sure if I’ve completely forgiven myself. He has. And we’re back to being friends now. But I still feel horrible.

A few weeks after the big blow up, I talked to Honey about my feelings, where I stood, and what I wanted to do if she was interested. And shortly after that, we started dating. Now, whether they admit to it or not, everyone has that ideal perfect person and relationship that they dream of. I believe I found that in her. Everything about her and the relationship was everything I’d always wanted, just with a girl. And it took a really long time, but I finally came to the conclusion that I was the happiest I’d ever been with her, and I didn’t feel like I was doing anything “wrong”. In fact, I felt closer to God then, than I had during the whole roller coaster that was my quasi-relationship/friendship with the guy. And so I decided, I could still love God and be with the person I loved, no matter what gender they were.

What finally brought me to acceptance of my Bisexuality was when I realized I could still have everything I wanted, namely a family, with a girl, and the fact that I wanted that with Honey. With Alex, I could never see a definite future. I could see us dating for a few years, but I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with her. When I looked into Honey’s eyes, saw that smile that let me know she loved me, heard that laugh that made my insides melt, I knew there wasn’t another person in the world that I wanted to be with. She was the one I wanted to wake up next to everyone morning, and the last thing I wanted to see before I closed my eyes at night. I loved her so much.

You’ll notice the past tense. That’s because while my love for her was unending (and still is) and ever growing, her’s hit a road block. I still don’t understand it all. From what all she explained to me, more or less, she let a bunch of stuff from her past change her feelings for me. Again, I’ll skip all the details, but after 3 months of bliss, a week after Valentine’s Day, she broke up with me. The best relationship of my life ended, and it tore me up. Even now, six months later, I’m still dealing with it. But I took a lot out of it. And I’ll never reget it. Never reget her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

We don’t really talk anymore, which makes work awkward at times. But in our time apart, I’ve come to fully embrace who I am. I feel right now. There’s no more struggle. I’ve come out to small, but growing number of friends, and I came out to my dad last month. I started with those I knew would be ok with it and I’m slowly working my way up to the those that I know will probably not accept it. I’m prepared to lose some friends. It saddens me, but I understand. I know my mom might disown me. We’ll see.

Well that’s my story. Sorry it’s so long lol. Maybe I’ll do a follow at the end of the year to let you know how my coming out process is going. 🙂

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