Being "Me" in Texas

by Marie Alaniz

I grew up in a small Texas town..Think Varsity Blues. I always felt different but I put it off as just being shy. I was the active, teacher’s and parent’s dream of a child. I did everything and was everything everyone else wanted me to be. Happy on the outside..sad, lonely person on the inside. I just stayed away from dating all together because I knew I would never feel about a man the way they felt about me and I never wanted to hurt anyone. I attempted “normal” at my parent’s request. Out of that relationship I got my beautiful son, who is all mine as his father has never had anything to do with him. Then my father passed away and that shook my whole world. I realized that life is short and those who matter will love you no matter what. Those who don’t…well they don’t matter now do they?

I have only had one relationship with a woman and it was a good one. We just realized that we were better friends than partners. So now here I am…alone and afraid to date again as I am back in my small Texas town with my mother struggling with cancer. Oh..did I mention my mother does not accept my being gay? She voices this as often as possible. My best friend lives in Canada and I am alone here in this place where I can not be me…For fear my son would be harassed.

Now in comes you…for 1 hour I can see that others struggle and overcome the same battles I am facing. I’m not the only one who feels this way. And it helps me to still hang on to the REAL me. So I thank you Tracy and Stamie…for showing me that this kind of love happens and I will find it someday.