a bit of me…

I just recently bought the real L word season 1, and watched the bonus features where Tracy shouts out yall’s website; so I had to check it out. I definitely loved the idea that everyone is sharing their stories and getting not only feedback but support from you guys as well as website followers.

I am 24 years old and I live in New Mexico, born and raised actually. Being from the south it was difficult to understand my feelings and sexuality, mostly because it was never talked about or seen around. I had heard the term “gay” used in derogatory ways growing up in school and such, so I had always resisted that I was in fact gay. Knowing my attraction to other girls just made me feel not normal I guess, so I definitely did a lot of pushing my feelings for the boys.

I also grew up in a traditional family, where we were expected to attend church every Sunday and even sometimes during the week. I always knew that something didn’t fit with the way I was being lead within my family and social environment that surrounded me; however I put on a happy, good girl face and continued along.

It wasn’t until I was in high school that I fell in love with my best friend of many years.
Of course I still wasn’t sure about sexuality or anything like that, only that I was experiencing some really intense feelings rushing through my body and soul that I had never known. We began a secret relationship that slowly became intimate and lasted for about three years (most of my high school career). I had totally and completely given my heart to this girl, only to have it unexpectedly dropped away. It was my senior year in high school and her junior year. I guess she decided that she wanted to experience guys, so she basically pushed me and our relationship to the side; it’s not like it was acknowledged publicly that we were in love anyway. So I sat back and watched as she dated guys and kissed guys and god knows what with guys. Meanwhile, wanting me to be her “friend”.

Clueless and completely shattered I went on to college within a darkness and deep depression that I didnt know how to deal with. It was horrible to feel as if it was all my fault for some reason, and that I had something wrong with me for feeling the ways that I did. Not only was I experiencing such torment but I was unable to share this with anyone. I didnt feel safe with it myself and definitely didnt feel safe enough to confide in anyone.

Years go by and I slowly move into my sexuality and becoming familiar and somewhat comfortable with it. I have come out to most friends but yet to come out to my parents. I am so incredibly fearful and scared shitless about how they will react and what they will think of me. I really want to move into a place where I can come out to the family, and was hoping for any advice. My brothers, I believe will be completely supportive…its my parents that give me the most anxiety.

I also just want to ad how the L word really helped me understand what it is to be a lesbian and that it is okay to be gay. The real L word even furthered that comfort and support because it is not just characters in a show, but actual people willing to share their lives with the world…and for that I am forever grateful.

thanks for your ears..or I guess it’d be your eyes..it was therapeutic to even just write all that out. There is plenty more, but those are just the boring details and sob stories 🙂 thanks again..

much love,
amanda

xoxoxo